AFTRMATH

It has been 2.5 months since I came back to Singapore. If I were to describe myself to someone whom I've not seen for a long time, I would say, "I'm still in one piece on the outside, but on the inside, I had shattered into many fragments. Some parts have glued back with the cracks possibly still showing, some parts are still just held together with a tape, which occasionally needed an extra strength to make sure it holds, because its slips apart so easily." Yes, I am still healing.

I once asked someone who was going through a bad time, why doesn't he want to let go of his pain. I now asked myself the same question, and I realise its because something in my mentality is not reconciling. I think this is a huge revelation. The soul heals itself, but we need to silent the mind. As I took the time to sit with my pain, there will be moments where I crashed completely, crippled by the intensity of it. And ironically, it was when things hit the bottom, then a break through will occur. This cycle happened again and agin until I finally found the way into the light. A very wise advise given to me before was, "The solution is never at the level of the problem; Its always at the higher level." What battles in my head had to be resolved with my heart.

My teacher once said free will is not about the choices you make, but the ability to exercise consciousness behind that choice. It is my challenge now, to make a conscious choice to use my heart, to step away from the chains of the past that exist purely in my mind.

Sat Chit Ananda 

I AM THAT BUT YET

I've learned so much the past few months, realised so much, and so much has opened up and changed. It was one of the toughest moments in my life but the flower of love has blossomed. In a very strange way,  I felt more spacious in my heart even though it had been very painful. Dharma is like the river. We swim with it, and not against it, or we will struggle. Eventually it will kick us in the arse, right back into place. I've been kicked, very hard. But when a karma is finished, space would be created to move. Maybe, some things are meant to be. If only I could pen the experience down, but it is just not possible, given the scale of it.

Confucius sums up my learning nicely... ...

Once, there was a bear and a kitty cat

• A Superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.

• By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

• I want you to be everything that's you, deep at the center of your being.

• Only the wisest and the stupidest of men do not change.

• It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.

• Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

• To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.

And with a soft touch, by Dalai Lama... ...

• We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.

• With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world.

• Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

• The purpose of our lives is to be happy.

• The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own reason and critical analysis.

THIS IS IT

Human beings are insecure creatures. I am the same. I do not like to be told that I am a piece of shit, especially after it took me a long time and after many self destructive relationships to convince myself that I am worth it. I've learned to love myself a little better but it is still hard for me to ask for things for myself. I push myself forward in demanding situations and I don't feel comfortable troubling others with their time, effort or attention even though I have learned to accept praises graciously. It is exceptionally hard when the criticism comes from someone close to my heart, and given without support and understanding. 

My usual method of handling destructive opinions or situation is to avoid it. I built a wall around me to prevent people from hurting me. The most significant evidence of how I did that is I avoided my father for an entire month before he passed away. My father, suffering from terminal stage of colorectal cancer, did not stop condemning my choice to teach yoga for life. He told my sister who live in USA, to find me a proper job position in the US, so that I can be 'put into place'. He said I'm not a bad person, I just need to be put into place. 

Maybe he thinks his time is almost up and he has to put me right before he goes. But I was very sad that till his death, he still thinks I'm not good enough. We never exchanged a word before he died in September 2007, but I was there to get him to the hospital emergency the day his vital signs started to fail. He had looked at me then, too weak to speak, before he tuned out and slipped away on the hospital bed. I know he was trying to tell me he was glad I was there for him. My father had a very strong influence in my life, and this final episode has created unresolved issued in me for many years. I know I could not have done better because I know I would have snapped from pain, which would be expressed in the form of extreme anger. It was only after I understand karma, and the journey of the soul, then I found peace within myself.

The other by product of low self esteem, as displayed in the above example, is my inability to ask  someone of strong opposing opinion to recognize I have a need, a weakness or a request. I would either take the silence approach and tried to put up with all the conflicting emotions or situation, or I would confront the situation or person with anger when it all becomes too oppressive. I have learned over the years to speak up right from the start. But I have not learned how to assert myself if the massage has been missed over and over again. 

There had been 3 very important men in my life at different stages. They all care for and loved me, yet I was the most challenged in this area before them. They had two things in common; All of them have the astrological star sign of virgo which is known to be extremely critical, and all of them had the tendency to want to fix me. One of them is my father as you can guess.

In the context of me living in another country where cultural differences are huge, the need to express myself properly is even more important. There had been incidents where I failed to stick up for myself clearly, leading to unpleasant situation and resentments. And there had been incidents where I would confront or walked away with an intensity that could burn a house down. An Astrologist once revealed that my life issues needs to be worked from the inside out as the 'knots' are within myself. And I can see this is one of what he meant.

On December 5 2011, Paul and I lost our first baby in a spontaneous Miscarriage. This incident had created a shift in me which opened up a flood gate to issues I had avoided, resented or was dismissed because I had failed to assert my point. On one hand, I am glad it surfaced because I should not pretend they do not exist anymore. On the other hand, I am afraid it would require a massive change from me, which is scary. What it also means is, I must finally face my demons while I handle the toughest decision in my life. 

God be with me.

Flow, River Flow...

I've disappeared from my blog for more a year, and that is because I was so busy with life; the constant changes life brings. I was not a person who could handle the unknown very well; still am not but I can safely say I am better now. I used to plan, foresee and re-plan to the last details because I don't like to be caught by nasty surprises, and I don't like to know I didn't do enough to prevent mishaps from happening. As such, the last 1.5 year, had been hell of a ride.


Many of you know I had moved to Australia to be with Paul. Australia is known to be a fantastic Country with beautiful beaches, fresh air and food, massive cultural diversity acceptance and laid back attitude. Its is also known for its massive drinking culture, unique slangs and quirkiness amongst its people.


When I 1st lived here, I speak and walk too fast. I was perceived as too serious because I don't drink, and I don't laugh at their jokes because I do not understand their slangs. My Singaporean upbringing does not initiate interaction so I'm seen as aloof, and my need to upkeep accountability made me seemed rigid. I was shocked that real estates agents do not work after office hours and we have to take time off from work if we want to view a unit, and I was put off by the 'drink-till-you-are-smashed-completely' activity that went on weekend after weekend. Australians seemed incapable of keeping themselves sober when they gather, and with drinking comes smoking. I hated it, and I still hate it.


I learned to slow down, learned their expressions, and I learned to take my holidays and weekends as seriously as they do. It constantly forces me to think outside of the box and pushes me beyond my comfort zone. And in an ironic way, it is an expansive exercise. But I still struggled with the drinking culture; the intention behind every intoxication Australians put into their body, the irresponsible behavior of drink driving, the embarrassment the drunken behavior brought to their families and the public, the social problem created from too much drinking, and the amount of money wasted to curb all these problems.


I personally felt anger when Australians continue to create a nuisance out of themselves. But here I am, dealing with a force that is not within my control. It felt like me vs Australia, and I will never win. I will also never like it. There was a period of time I had hated Australia, and I constantly wanted to flee. Some say, 'If you run when there is trouble, you will never work out a solution." I can't remember who said that, but I suspect it was my inner voice. So I stayed, and I struggled, not knowing where it would take me, and not knowing if I will ever see light. I have no working rights so I've stopped teaching. The yoga scene here is overrated, and my critical mind cannot get pass the immature teachings in the classes I've attended. I have not made any friends and my family is in Singapore. I felt I was loosing my identity when I loose grip of everything I know, and I felt I was disappearing into this foreign ocean of change and unfamiliarity. I was lonely and constantly depressed, and I lost weight.


My views of Australia changed when Queensland was hit by a major flood in January 2011. When I saw the unity and the community spirit displayed by the Australians, who stepped up to help each other regardless of anything, I had a new found respect for them and I was immensely humbled. I realised I was wrong to judge. I opened my heart to the other side of Australia, and I learned that Australians have a side to them that are very genuine and kind at the core. I still don't understand the need for them to drink that much, but I have started to accept Australia. I still struggled, but they had become easier.


I watched a lot of local TV to help me understand Australia. I've also taken a few trips home to help me reconcile the cultural misfit and gap I was experiencing. It helped too after my working rights were granted in June 2011, and I began to explore the community from a different perspective. It was from my last trip in August 2012 when I went back to Singapore and Thailand to teach did I realise I had slowly gotten used to life in Australia. It had taken me more than a year. The strange thing was, I actually felt more grounded than I've ever been, and I was told that my teaching actually improved. Something had changed for the better inside me.


When Australia Immigration finally gave me an in-principle approval for my provisional PR status in October 2011, the sense of relief I felt made me realised I had gone from wanting to leave, to really wanting to stay. I recalled the intensity of change I had been through, and it almost felt like a medal from God to both Paul and I, rewarding us for sticking through it. Paul had went through as much changes and as intense as I have experienced, to get to where I am with me. He is a good man.


Now, I am able to watch an Australian movie or listen to a conversation and laugh at the jokes, and I was recently told I had developed an Australian accent by an Australian police woman. Some locals asked me how long I have been here because I behaved like I know my ways around. That must be something. We are happily settled now, dealing with life's normal challenge of making a living, looking for a bigger place to move. I've got the perfect job and made some wonderful friends, and Paul's business is finally taking flight. We are looking forward too, because we have been blessed with another gift, one of life's wonderful surprises! I am better at dealing with surprises now... :)  


I am better, and I feel better.... so much better. Thank you Paul, Carlos, and all my Singapore friends who helped kept me sane the last long year... Couldn't have done it without you.

I say Spring, you say Autumn, and those in Singapore say 'No Difference lar'

Yes, its Spring! Just two days ago, it was Winter and I find it strange that the temperature could get warmer overnight, as if mother earth knows its not suppose to be cold because the human species has officially draw a line between Winter and Spring when the clock struck midnight. And its not in my mind because insects like flies started to appear when Spring starts, and the clothes that usually took a full day to dry on the clothes liner is toasted by mid afternoon.

The good news for me is, I can now dish out my hot weather Singapore clothes and ditch the jackets and long pants, which is starting to bored me after having to wear them constantly in Winter. In less than 2 weeks, we are moving again, and to the Gold Coast this time. I am looking forward to be by the ocean and smell the salt in the air. We have not secured an apartment there yet, and everything seemed to be hanging on the thin line called 'uncertainty', but after 1.5 months of Gipsy living, it didn't seem to matter that much.

For those who wondered what I've been up to, here it is - no, I have not been teaching; I can't and I am also not in a hurry, even though I will be happy to do some karma Yoga. Its a big change of culture and life style from 'Uptight city-like' Singapore to 'laid back open land' Australia, and just getting used to the slangs here threw me off the track a few times. But Paul's family ( including extended family) embraced me with so much love that its warms me tremendously. The challenging side here is because we move so often, I am unsettled at a deeper level. Yet on the whole, I am enjoying the change - bats on the trees, possums on my roof, turkeys on my walk way,  horses nuzzled against my hand, and cows looking at me as if I have invaded their space. And I picked up a new skill - cooking. I think my mum and sister will be proud of me. :)

Living in a complete different environment allows conditionings to be broken, and individual opinions challenged; we no longer take for granted what is. Paul said I asked the weirdest question sometimes, but it is also during these times when perspectives take on a new level.

We laughed at ourselves constantly, and we laughed together at thoughts and behaviors. It was Shri.

2ND WEEK IN OZ

This is my 12^th day in Australia, and I have already moved from place to place quite a bit; 2 nights in Clontarf, 3 nights in Gold Coast, then back to Clontarf for a night, then 6 nights in Paddington before I move again tomorrow. 12 days is not exactly long but it seemed like forever, maybe because I have yet to really settle down. However, tomorrow is a good move. I have not seen the place but at least I know there will only be Paul and I in that apartment, and no one else.

This current place I am at is a great location within minutes bus ride into the city and walking distance to woolies, a yoga studio and many shops and restaurants. But the one problem, which is the main problem is, there are too many people in this house – 5 adults and a dog. If only everyone takes ownership for their mess, the hot water reheating system in Queensland hasn't changed, and the dog shits at its designated place. Oh well, such is life.

Winter here is actually bearable. Those who came from really cold countries would call it lame. But me, being a tropical gal, finds it just nice, with room for 'getting use to it'. There is no one in this house this morning, and I am enjoying the breeze at the balcony with my coffee that overlooks a papaya tree. My neighbour is playing rock music and that lifts my spirit quite a bit. The best time of my day is when I am alone in the open space, that is of course, until Paul comes home, and my day gets even better.

I miss my niece and my family back home and I miss my chats with my favorite friend online. But my limited internet access at this moment is not making that easier. However, my new family in Clontarf is filling in with lots of affection and love, and I am slowly making new friends and getting in touch with the Anusara community in Brisbane. The most comforting thing is, I don't need to miss Paul everyday anymore. He is right next to me. Life is good. 

SUCH IS LIFE

~"Life is about surrounding ourselves with positive life affirming energy, and leaving behind events and relationships that pulls us into shit holes of negativity. ~" 

Yes, that is what I have concluded, after walking on this earth for the last 34 years. It sounded like a very simple equation, but it is not easy to do. Because to know our choices to be right, and to have the courage to make those choices, it takes Experience; many trials and errors, mistakes and more mistakes, Strength; pull yourself to your feet again and again after you have fallen, and Awareness; you've got to know yourself from reflection and contemplation. THERE IS NO SHORT CUT!!! So, if you think you are safe from not acting, then I am telling you now that you are depriving yourself of a chance to know true happiness.

"Everything in this world exist in opposites, for the sheer joy of uncovering bliss." I really like this phrase. "Every illness and disease that exist in the body is not of random coincidence. They manifested from our attitude, thoughts and behavior." ~ Caroline Myss, PH.D. I love this phrase too.

When I worked in the corporate world, I always think that Ends Justify Means. Thank God that was six years ago! Today, I have no doubt Means Justify Ends. Read the Bhagavad Gita, people! Says it all!

28 More days to going home. I can't wait.