Human beings are insecure creatures. I am the same. I do not like to be told that I am a piece of shit, especially after it took me a long time and after many self destructive relationships to convince myself that I am worth it. I've learned to love myself a little better but it is still hard for me to ask for things for myself. I push myself forward in demanding situations and I don't feel comfortable troubling others with their time, effort or attention even though I have learned to accept praises graciously. It is exceptionally hard when the criticism comes from someone close to my heart, and given without support and understanding.
My usual method of handling destructive opinions or situation is to avoid it. I built a wall around me to prevent people from hurting me. The most significant evidence of how I did that is I avoided my father for an entire month before he passed away. My father, suffering from terminal stage of colorectal cancer, did not stop condemning my choice to teach yoga for life. He told my sister who live in USA, to find me a proper job position in the US, so that I can be 'put into place'. He said I'm not a bad person, I just need to be put into place.
Maybe he thinks his time is almost up and he has to put me right before he goes. But I was very sad that till his death, he still thinks I'm not good enough. We never exchanged a word before he died in September 2007, but I was there to get him to the hospital emergency the day his vital signs started to fail. He had looked at me then, too weak to speak, before he tuned out and slipped away on the hospital bed. I know he was trying to tell me he was glad I was there for him. My father had a very strong influence in my life, and this final episode has created unresolved issued in me for many years. I know I could not have done better because I know I would have snapped from pain, which would be expressed in the form of extreme anger. It was only after I understand karma, and the journey of the soul, then I found peace within myself.
The other by product of low self esteem, as displayed in the above example, is my inability to ask someone of strong opposing opinion to recognize I have a need, a weakness or a request. I would either take the silence approach and tried to put up with all the conflicting emotions or situation, or I would confront the situation or person with anger when it all becomes too oppressive. I have learned over the years to speak up right from the start. But I have not learned how to assert myself if the massage has been missed over and over again.
There had been 3 very important men in my life at different stages. They all care for and loved me, yet I was the most challenged in this area before them. They had two things in common; All of them have the astrological star sign of virgo which is known to be extremely critical, and all of them had the tendency to want to fix me. One of them is my father as you can guess.
In the context of me living in another country where cultural differences are huge, the need to express myself properly is even more important. There had been incidents where I failed to stick up for myself clearly, leading to unpleasant situation and resentments. And there had been incidents where I would confront or walked away with an intensity that could burn a house down. An Astrologist once revealed that my life issues needs to be worked from the inside out as the 'knots' are within myself. And I can see this is one of what he meant.
On December 5 2011, Paul and I lost our first baby in a spontaneous Miscarriage. This incident had created a shift in me which opened up a flood gate to issues I had avoided, resented or was dismissed because I had failed to assert my point. On one hand, I am glad it surfaced because I should not pretend they do not exist anymore. On the other hand, I am afraid it would require a massive change from me, which is scary. What it also means is, I must finally face my demons while I handle the toughest decision in my life.
God be with me.
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