REBECCA

THIS IS IT

2012-01-02T17:31:00.004+08:00

Human beings are insecure creatures. I am the same. I do not like to be told that I am a piece of shit, especially after it took me a long time and after many self destructive relationships to convince myself that I am worth it. I've learned to love myself a little better but it is still hard for me to ask for things for myself. I push myself forward in demanding situations and I don't feel comfortable troubling others with their time, effort or attention even though I have learned to accept praises graciously. It is exceptionally hard when the criticism comes from someone close to my heart, and given without support and understanding.

My usual method of handling destructive opinions or situation is to avoid it. I built a wall around me to prevent people from hurting me. The most significant evidence of how I did that is I avoided my father for an entire month before he passed away. My father, suffering from terminal stage of colorectal cancer, did not stop condemning my choice to teach yoga for life. He told my sister who live in USA, to find me a proper job position in the US, so that I can be 'put into place'. He said I'm not a bad person, I just need to be put into place.

Maybe he thinks his time is almost up and he has to put me right before he goes. But I was very sad that till his death, he still thinks I'm not good enough. We never exchanged a word before he died in September 2007, but I was there to get him to the hospital emergency the day his vital signs started to fail. He had looked at me then, too weak to speak, before he tuned out and slipped away on the hospital bed. I know he was trying to tell me he was glad I was there for him. My father had a very strong influence in my life, and this final episode has created unresolved issued in me for many years. I know I could not have done better because I know I would have snapped from pain, which would be expressed in the form of extreme anger. It was only after I understand karma, and the journey of the soul, then I found peace within myself.

The other by product of low self esteem, as displayed in the above example, is my inability to ask someone of strong opposing opinion to recognize I have a need, a weakness or a request. I would either take the silence approach and tried to put up with all the conflicting emotions or situation, or I would confront the situation or person with anger when it all becomes too oppressive. I have learned over the years to speak up right from the start. But I have not learned how to assert myself if the massage has been missed over and over again.

There had been 3 very important men in my life at different stages. They all care for and loved me, yet I was the most challenged in this area before them. They had two things in common; All of them have the astrological star sign of virgo which is known to be extremely critical, and all of them had the tendency to want to fix me. One of them is my father as you can guess.

In the context of me living in another country where cultural differences are huge, the need to express myself properly is even more important. There had been incidents where I failed to stick up for myself clearly, leading to unpleasant situation and resentments. And there had been incidents where I would confront or walked away with an intensity that could burn a house down. An Astrologist once revealed that my life issues needs to be worked from the inside out as the 'knots' are within myself. And I can see this is one of what he meant.

On December 5 2011, Paul and I lost our first baby in a spontaneous Miscarriage. This incident had created a shift in me which opened up a flood gate to issues I had avoided, resented or was dismissed because I had failed to assert my point. On one hand, I am glad it surfaced because I should not pretend they do not exist anymore. On the other hand, I am afraid it would require a massive change from me, which is scary. What it also means is, I must finally face my demons while I handle the toughest decision in my life.

God be with me.

Flow, River Flow...

2011-11-22T10:54:00.021+08:00

I've disappeared from my blog for more a year, and that is because I was so busy with life; the constant changes life brings. I was not a person who could handle the unknown very well; still am not but I can safely say I am better now. I used to plan, foresee and re-plan to the last details because I don't like to be caught by nasty surprises, and I don't like to know I didn't do enough to prevent mishaps from happening. As such, the last 1.5 year, had been hell of a ride.

Many of you know I had moved to Australia to be with Paul. Australia is known to be a fantastic Country with beautiful beaches, fresh air and food, massive cultural diversity acceptance and laid back attitude. Its is also known for its massive drinking culture, unique slangs and quirkiness amongst its people.

When I 1st lived here, I speak and walk too fast. I was perceived as too serious because I don't drink, and I don't laugh at their jokes because I do not understand their slangs. My Singaporean upbringing does not initiate interaction so I'm seen as aloof, and my need to upkeep accountability made me seemed rigid. I was shocked that real estates agents do not work after office hours and we have to take time off from work if we want to view a unit, and I was put off by the 'drink-till-you-are-smashed-completely' activity that went on weekend after weekend. Australians seemed incapable of keeping themselves sober when they gather, and with drinking comes smoking. I hated it, and I still hate it.

I learned to slow down, learned their expressions, and I learned to take my holidays and weekends as seriously as they do. It constantly forces me to think outside of the box and pushes me beyond my comfort zone. And in an ironic way, it is an expansive exercise. But I still struggled with the drinking culture; the intention behind every intoxication Australians put into their body, the irresponsible behavior of drink driving, the embarrassment the drunken behavior brought to their families and the public, the social problem created from too much drinking, and the amount of money wasted to curb all these problems.

I personally felt anger when Australians continue to create a nuisance out of themselves. But here I am, dealing with a force that is not within my control. It felt like me vs Australia, and I will never win. I will also never like it. There was a period of time I had hated Australia, and I constantly wanted to flee. Some say, 'If you run when there is trouble, you will never work out a solution." I can't remember who said that, but I suspect it was my inner voice. So I stayed, and I struggled, not knowing where it would take me, and not knowing if I will ever see light. I have no working rights so I've stopped teaching. The yoga scene here is overrated, and my critical mind cannot get pass the immature teachings in the classes I've attended. I have not made any friends and my family is in Singapore. I felt I was loosing my identity when I loose grip of everything I know, and I felt I was disappearing into this foreign ocean of change and unfamiliarity. I was lonely and constantly depressed, and I lost weight.

My views of Australia changed when Queensland was hit by a major flood in January 2011. When I saw the unity and the community spirit displayed by the Australians, who stepped up to help each other regardless of anything, I had a new found respect for them and I was immensely humbled. I realised I was wrong to judge. I opened my heart to the other side of Australia, and I learned that Australians have a side to them that are very genuine and kind at the core. I still don't understand the need for them to drink that much, but I have started to accept Australia. I still struggled, but they had become easier.

I watched a lot of local TV to help me understand Australia. I've also taken a few trips home to help me reconcile the cultural misfit and gap I was experiencing. It helped too after my working rights were granted in June 2011, and I began to explore the community from a different perspective. It was from my last trip in August 2012 when I went back to Singapore and Thailand to teach did I realise I had slowly gotten used to life in Australia. It had taken me more than a year. The strange thing was, I actually felt more grounded than I've ever been, and I was told that my teaching actually improved. Something had changed for the better inside me.

When Australia Immigration finally gave me an in-principle approval for my provisional PR status in October 2011, the sense of relief I felt made me realised I had gone from wanting to leave, to really wanting to stay. I recalled the intensity of change I had been through, and it almost felt like a medal from God to both Paul and I, rewarding us for sticking through it. Paul had went through as much changes and as intense as I have experienced, to get to where I am with me. He is a good man.

Now, I am able to watch an Australian movie or listen to a conversation and laugh at the jokes, and I was recently told I had developed an Australian accent by an Australian police woman. Some locals asked me how long I have been here because I behaved like I know my ways around. That must be something. We are happily settled now, dealing with life's normal challenge of making a living, looking for a bigger place to move. I've got the perfect job and made some wonderful friends, and Paul's business is finally taking flight. We are looking forward too, because we have been blessed with another gift, one of life's wonderful surprises! I am better at dealing with surprises now... :)

I am better, and I feel better.... so much better. Thank you Paul, Carlos, and all my Singapore friends who helped kept me sane the last long year... Couldn't have done it without you.

I say Spring, you say Autumn, and those in Singapore say 'No Difference lar'

2010-09-03T09:39:00.001+08:00

Yes, its Spring! Just two days ago, it was Winter and I find it strange that the temperature could get warmer overnight, as if mother earth knows its not suppose to be cold because the human species has officially draw a line between Winter and Spring when the clock struck midnight. And its not in my mind because insects like flies started to appear when Spring starts, and the clothes that usually took a full day to dry on the clothes liner is toasted by mid afternoon.

The good news for me is, I can now dish out my hot weather Singapore clothes and ditch the jackets and long pants, which is starting to bored me after having to wear them constantly in Winter. In less than 2 weeks, we are moving again, and to the Gold Coast this time. I am looking forward to be by the ocean and smell the salt in the air. We have not secured an apartment there yet, and everything seemed to be hanging on the thin line called 'uncertainty', but after 1.5 months of Gipsy living, it didn't seem to matter that much.

For those who wondered what I've been up to, here it is - no, I have not been teaching; I can't and I am also not in a hurry, even though I will be happy to do some karma Yoga. Its a big change of culture and life style from 'Uptight city-like' Singapore to 'laid back open land' Australia, and just getting used to the slangs here threw me off the track a few times. But Paul's family ( including extended family) embraced me with so much love that its warms me tremendously. The challenging side here is because we move so often, I am unsettled at a deeper level. Yet on the whole, I am enjoying the change - bats on the trees, possums on my roof, turkeys on my walk way, horses nuzzled against my hand, and cows looking at me as if I have invaded their space. And I picked up a new skill - cooking. I think my mum and sister will be proud of me. :)

Living in a complete different environment allows conditionings to be broken, and individual opinions challenged; we no longer take for granted what is. Paul said I asked the weirdest question sometimes, but it is also during these times when perspectives take on a new level.

We laughed at ourselves constantly, and we laughed together at thoughts and behaviors. It was Shri.

2ND WEEK IN OZ

2010-08-06T08:32:00.000+08:00

This is my 12^th day in Australia, and I have already moved from place to place quite a bit; 2 nights in Clontarf, 3 nights in Gold Coast, then back to Clontarf for a night, then 6 nights in Paddington before I move again tomorrow. 12 days is not exactly long but it seemed like forever, maybe because I have yet to really settle down. However, tomorrow is a good move. I have not seen the place but at least I know there will only be Paul and I in that apartment, and no one else.

This current place I am at is a great location within minutes bus ride into the city and walking distance to woolies, a yoga studio and many shops and restaurants. But the one problem, which is the main problem is, there are too many people in this house – 5 adults and a dog. If only everyone takes ownership for their mess, the hot water reheating system in Queensland hasn't changed, and the dog shits at its designated place. Oh well, such is life.

Winter here is actually bearable. Those who came from really cold countries would call it lame. But me, being a tropical gal, finds it just nice, with room for 'getting use to it'. There is no one in this house this morning, and I am enjoying the breeze at the balcony with my coffee that overlooks a papaya tree. My neighbour is playing rock music and that lifts my spirit quite a bit. The best time of my day is when I am alone in the open space, that is of course, until Paul comes home, and my day gets even better.

I miss my niece and my family back home and I miss my chats with my favorite friend online. But my limited internet access at this moment is not making that easier. However, my new family in Clontarf is filling in with lots of affection and love, and I am slowly making new friends and getting in touch with the Anusara community in Brisbane. The most comforting thing is, I don't need to miss Paul everyday anymore. He is right next to me. Life is good.

SUCH IS LIFE

2010-07-01T09:50:00.003+08:00

~"Life is about surrounding ourselves with positive life affirming energy, and leaving behind events and relationships that pulls us into shit holes of negativity. ~"

Yes, that is what I have concluded, after walking on this earth for the last 34 years. It sounded like a very simple equation, but it is not easy to do. Because to know our choices to be right, and to have the courage to make those choices, it takes Experience; many trials and errors, mistakes and more mistakes, Strength; pull yourself to your feet again and again after you have fallen, and Awareness; you've got to know yourself from reflection and contemplation. THERE IS NO SHORT CUT!!! So, if you think you are safe from not acting, then I am telling you now that you are depriving yourself of a chance to know true happiness.

"Everything in this world exist in opposites, for the sheer joy of uncovering bliss." I really like this phrase. "Every illness and disease that exist in the body is not of random coincidence. They manifested from our attitude, thoughts and behavior." ~ Caroline Myss, PH.D. I love this phrase too.

When I worked in the corporate world, I always think that Ends Justify Means. Thank God that was six years ago! Today, I have no doubt Means Justify Ends. Read the Bhagavad Gita, people! Says it all!

28 More days to going home. I can't wait.

A NEW START

2010-06-20T16:06:00.000+08:00

Finally, something is changing. It is a big shift; Career, Relationship, Living Situation, Culture Differences and even hobbies and diets. It is a good change however, and I am looking forward to it. In 40 days, the 1st phase starts. There are so much to do and things - classes, work etc, are all winding down.

I suddenly realized there are so many people I have yet to inform. Maybe I have been keeping to myself a lot lately, contemplative and working things out, and also traveling out of Singapore pretty often that I didn't think it matters. But when I happen to bring up my decision, people seemed to think it was a big deal, and that they will miss me. I am really surprised and touched, to be honest. Thank you my friends.

I spend most of my time now with my 18 month old niece, giving her as much love as I can. I see her everyday since she's 3 months old and I will miss her terribly.

So, here I go, slowly up rooting nearly everything I have in Singapore, including Nile Yoga, making it trans-national, as my friend calls it, yet nonetheless still very attached to this place and definitely coming back often. I have a feeling life is going to be real good from now on.

INNER RADIANCE, OUTER GLOW

2010-03-10T11:53:00.000+08:00

When I was in my teens, I had wanted to be a model. I went for a portfolio shot with a modeling agency, just like what many teenage girls with the same dream will do. But the result of those shots crashed my dream. I had a bad set of teeth, left over baby fats, and I am not exactly photogenic; not to mention overly done make-up and horrible photography. Come to think of it, the modeling agency back then was just trying to earn quick bucks from naive silly gals like me by offering to take pictures of us at a fee, and promising to give us opportunities. They did suggest to make me a runway model because of my height but nothing really happened. I think that is because I didn't want to pay more money for grooming classes. I still keep those picture and my sister and I will laugh ourselves silly every time we looked at them.

When I was in my late 20s, someone from Elite Models approached me to take part in the Elite Models search competition. At that time I was kinda over the 'model wannabe' dream. I was told then that the search was to discover new breeds from age 16 to 26, though less of those nearing the higher end. I felt really flattered because I was way over age but I didn't have the heart to tell them the truth. In the end, I declined the invitation without revealing my age, and also because I didn't think I want to be in that industry.

Now that I am in my mid 30s, I decided to take another chance with makeover and glamour shots. I have just completed the course of straightening my teeth and a complimentary birthday makeover offer landed in my letter box.

Maybe it was from previous experience in bridal shots and photo shoots for yoga asana pictures, which gave me a good sense of what I need and could give; or maybe it was simply maturity. Because instead of allowing the makeover company to do what they want with me, I told them what I want - simple, natural, almost nude-like. And when I saw the pictures, I love it, because they finally looked like me.

I compared them to all of my pictures taken previously and realized that content and confidence does make a person glow from within. Life has given me more definition, for sure. These picture were not touched up except for the exposure. It truly is me. : )

I LOVE FEBRUARY

2010-02-01T17:55:00.000+08:00

Okay, 2009 has ended and it is now February of 2010. Time flies!

There are many reasons I love February. 1st, February is the shortest month in a year. That makes every moment special because we really don't have that much time to waste. 2nd, some February falls in the Leap year with 29 days. And those born on February 29 get to celebrate their birthday on the actual day! 3rd, The Chinese New Year usually falls in February and it is that way this year - 2010 Feb 14. I love Chinese New year because it is such a happy occasion filled with clutter-free houses, delicious meals, snacks and goodies, and everyone is accommodating and accepting to one another. Most importantly, friends and families gathered to catch up and show their love, which made everything so sweet and fulfilling.

Then there is Valentine's Day; Feb 14 too! Valentine's Day means a day when prices of roses hit the roof and restaurants charges crazy money for a simple meal, all in the name of "Love your Other Half!" I thought that was crazy especially when you see young teenage lovers burning a hole in their pocket. Then again, I enjoy buying very cheap flowers on February 15. :D

Alright, the real reason I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE February is because it is the month of my birthday. I feel special because it marked my xxth year of life journey. I usually reflect a lot during this time, and would use this day to honor every person who had made an impact in my life and taught me something. There is also immerse gratitude toward those who loved me, walked with me and held my hand, and deep affection for those whom I love. Some people party hard on this day. I just want to be with my family and close friends. I want to spend this day with them who loved me so dearly over the years, and celebrate their love for me.

Thank you, and I love February!

JUST BE

2009-10-04T12:42:00.000+08:00

I have been quiet since my return from down under. Teaching in a smaller shala now, practicing with new teacher, working on upcoming Yoga Retreat in November, and my possible move to Oz next year brought about many new feelings and perspectives. As I acknowledged many uncertainties that will be heading my way, I was sometimes confused, other times upbeat, but most of the time I was quiet as I stay within a bubble built between me and those thoughts, giving myself space, and face those thoughts only when the time is right.

One thing that had been a major concern for years did shed light though, and I felt so much lighter after that, thanks to Don Peers who is very kind to point out and charismatically showed me what exactly the problem was. I finally found the missing puzzle in my learning journey in Anusara Yoga, and It made me more grounded and authentic as a teacher. Most importantly, I felt Free. I learned that sometimes we have to give up something in order to embrace it more fully. I shared this with my teacher Patrick, and I am blessed to have his understanding and support.

That is one fat light in view of all the unknown. At times when confusion kicked me off center, I held on to a faith. That is, if you love hard enough, everything will sort itself out. With that, Scruffy's face would come into my mind, and I would smile involuntarily.

FLAME OF GRACE

2009-07-15T21:22:00.001+08:00

My days at the studio where I teach on a part-time basis are numbered. Despite numerous proposals with the prospect of offering my colleague and I a full time position in the near future since December last year, teachers of dubious background were hired one after another, with the latest addition taking away most of my classes. Today, I am only left with 3 classes a week, compared to as high as 15 previously. The worse thing is, I was not informed of this significant reduction, only to find out when my weekly schedule was released. I found this behavior ungrateful and unscrupulous, especially when we had given our blood and sweat to built studentship and stepped up whenever help was needed. It would seem less despicable if our teachings were bad, or if 'he' had not speak so highly of our contribution. Flame is the word for the injustice that had been burning in my belly. I felt I could sink my teeth into one person's neck and pull his guts out.

My partner laughed when he heard me said this and I laughed along. It was indeed funny. Everything in life happened for a reason. Pulsation is what we call that and each stone that grinds under our feet is just an indication for us to move towards where we should be. In Tantra, too much certainty is 'evil' for we lost the ability to see beyond our nose. That fire I had in me churned out so much more for us, and I wondered if it was really such a bad thing after all.

The same fire made me brought Nile Yoga back to life, something I had sort of neglected for the last two years; and with a vengeance. So much for believing that overseas imports are always more talented, Nile Yoga will feature four teachers who embodies knowledge, exposure, experience, attitude and charisma; And all in the name of one message - our willingness to flow with life through strength, graciousness, beauty and poise. Watch out for the relaunch of the website from 1 August 2009!

Also, a spur from the same Flame, Christine and I will hold a Yoga retreat in Koh Samui, Thailand, this coming 26 November. ~ Grooved with Grace ~ as we called it, symbolizing playfulness in our hearts as we open to the flow. We were touched by the overwhelming response from our students and friends. Instead of letting the fire simmer, we let it burn even stronger, channelling this energy to repay the graciousness of the universe by loving our students and friends even more, and teaching fantastic classes to the best we can.

I know more things will come and I have no fear because I felt extremely supported. In my heart, I would send a silent 'Thank you' to he would sparked all this. And as I worked diligently so that I would be ready when things fall into place, I made used of the extra time I have on hand now to make a trip to Oz, which would be in 17 days, possibly for a life changing experience. Won't say too much now but maybe, I will share someday. Wish me Luck!

YOGA AND ME

2009-05-15T23:06:00.000+08:00

It is official! Ryan and I bagged the exclusive distribution right to the documentary film Yoga and Me in Asia! It is produced and directed by award winning film-maker Robbie Baldwin and we LOVE the film. When I first bought a copy at it's launch during the Australian Yoga conference, I watched it for the first time in front of my TV back in Singapore and realised I could watch it over and over again, and i did. It has one of the most grounding messages delivered in the most non-intruding and compassionate way, and I was touched and inspired.

One message that grips my heart more than others is, " To see how Yoga has affected your life, just look at the quality of the relationships you have." And I go ahhhh..... and I started to think about my mum, my students, my lovely friends and all the gurus in my life. I watched the film a couple more times, then I turn on my computer, found Robbie and wrote to him. The rest is History.

If you want a copy of the DVD, contact me. Love, love, love to share the good!

Robbie Baldwin, a Sydney-based filmmaker and yoga teacher, won Best Film at the Queerscreen Documentary Festival and the Canberra Film Festival for his film Show Me Your Pic. In 2001, Robbie received the Young Filmmakers Grant from the NSW Film and Television Office (NSW FTO) to produce A Wonderful Day, a short film about the day his mother died. The film won Best Film in Sydney, Canberra, Melbourne and Dallas and screened in over fifty international festivals. He is currently writing his first feature film and is in post-production on the documentary, Cleavage - Candid Chats about Breast Cancer. Robbie studied yoga teaching at Samadhi Yoga in Newtown and is now furthering his yoga studies with the Satyananda Ashram at Mangrove Mountain

ITS A WONDERFUL WORLD

2009-04-26T19:20:00.001+08:00

I just came back from a 2.5 week holiday travelling in a Campervan along the coast from Brisbane to Sydney, wrapping the adventure up with a 2-day Yoga Conference at Darling Harbour. It was nothing like I had expected but it was truly an amazing ride. On top of dry skin and additional freckles from harsh weather and immersing daily in second hand cigarette smoke, I witnessed extreme form of reliance, mistrust and self indulgence. At the same time, I experienced unusual connection, affection and kindness. And honestly, the contrast of these two scales left me expanded, wholesome, sadden inevitably, and deeply grateful.

It had not occurred to me how much Yoga has supported and nurtured me emotionally and mentally over the years until I faced confrontations that could have left me depleted in the past. I bowed even lower before the wisdom that has been showered upon me, and I felt blessed to be one of the chosen vehicle to pass on the teachings.

At Western Head, overlooking the coast at the edge of the Cliff in a headstand, grounding my head to the earth, the immediate silence that took over within the body from downward pull of gravity gave complete sense to what I heard from Duncan Peak later - We don't own the earth, we belong to it. Adding my epiphany to what he said, I would say we don't own our experience, we belong to it. Life is inherently good, and it's a beautiful journey if we do not kill the existence by judging. I smiled involuntarily into the sky as I walked barefooted back to my Campervan.

I thought of my friends who created the experience with me, wearing the memories of one around my neck in honour of the friendship we built, and looking forward to catch up with another soon. I embraced the insights that had settled in my heart.

CONTRACTING TO EXPAND

2009-03-03T22:03:00.000+08:00

I have been quiet and contemplative these days. It seemed that after working delligently with consistent effort over a long period of time, the goal that I have planned for and finally achieved might not to be what I really wanted. And it is strange that when such revelation surfaced, it was addressed during unexpected connections with far away friends who provided valuable insights, and indirectly, encouagement to change.

Many chapters that were prevaling in my life previously finally drew a conclusion, and every end signifies a new beginning. Like a friend who recently pointed out - recognition of closures is an opportunity to ride on new found strength into the destines that were routed right in the start. My heart soared at his advise, and I saw light from where I was standing. There were questions in my heart but I somehow knew the answers were nearby.

No fear, no anxeity, just excitment to uncover this new path, I retreated into a corner simply teaching and paying forward my gratitude towards all that I have received. I wait patiently as I count down the hours

SAT-CHIT-ANANDA

2009-02-23T22:01:00.000+08:00

The Teacher's Training I was so busy with the last month came to an end on 22 Feb, and I am feeling nostalgic within a mixed sense of emptiness and excitement. It was an intensive training with long hours of studies, exams and early morning and evening practices. Many of us were really tired with information overload. Yet, this training has been revealing in many ways, especially in the way I see myself and the way I see the world. There were so much sharing and shedding of tears, affirmation of relationships, recognition of efforts and limitations, new found respect and love, and most importantly, a willingness to embrace infinite possibilities and just be.

Pulsation in our breaths reflects the knowing and sharing in our hearts. I was once again asked the question during the training - What Yoga is to me. And my answer has refined itself. "It is an inward Journey of self discovery where awareness is cultivated to create balance in all aspect of our lives".

A kula has been formed and in there 24 hearts shone so bright that we blazed the sky. I was moved and very inspired to have seen each and everyone transformed. From a little me, we became a bigger us. We let go of all that we clung to, and we opened to grace, supporting each other, and we open to the universe with smiles on our faces and strength in our hearts, co-creating with playfulness and curiosity. Even though we separated and went back to our lives, our hearts stay united, blessed and grateful.

"Community does not mean living face to face with others, rather it means never loosing the awareness that we are connected to each other. Its not about the presence of each other, it is about being fully open to the reality of relationship." ~ author unknown.

With this beautiful verse blanketed over us, our breath is steady and our vision clears.

FLOW, RIVER FLOW

2009-01-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

Face it! Just because we are yoga teachers does not necessarily mean we are free of worries and we never get bored down by the challenges of life. Students looked upon us as mentors who are more spiritually advanced. Some placed their trust and opened up to us with their problems. But we do have moments of 'misalignment' too. And while we fight the battle with our egoistic mind, knowing too well we are momentarily lost, we dial 'SOS' to anything, everything, and watch out for signs that could help us get centered again.

I stood at the top of my mat with one hand cupped over the other and gently placed them below my navel; a gesture to support the full force of all events that had been weighing down on me. Eyes closed, and joints flaccid, my deep breathing brought me slowly to full confrontation with the incessant chatters that had been going on in my head the past weeks.

"....he only wants to get into your pants...", "......Damn the Nords....", ".....I never think about the consequences, its all about me....", "....B, I am very angry....", ".....I love the part timers but full timers come first.....", ".......I'm not about to beg you to pick it up.....", ".....throat Chakra issues, speak the truth....", ".....he is totally ungrateful.....", "....we need to move...", "......I wouldn't book the flight if I had known this is coming......", "....take that fucking pretentious forlorn look off your face....", "....let him go, give the book to someone else..."

And as Franck's voice led us through movements that seemed to erased the past and churned the dormant energy trapped right at the bottom of our pits, I felt an upward and outward surge of an intangible force starting in my body.

Flow, river flow. That's what it felt like. As we move through sequences cued by Franck's charismatic voice, I found myself tearing as an expression of release. Every channel in my body seemed awakened, alert and alive, opening the trap doors that had rusted from immobility and self absorption. Tears and sweat, not sure which is more, were dripping down my face, blurring my vision but I find no need to wipe or hide them. I was crying like I never did before in any asana practice but instead of crumbling and shaking, I felt revived, steady and strangely free. And as the practice moves deeper and stronger, my body became as fluid as water and as light as feather. I retreated to the space of stillness I lost, and I allow, simply allow. The gaze in my eyes brighten as they see again for the first time.

At the end of 90 minutes, I was home and totally glad to be. I turned to Christine and said, 'He threw that bloody bird completely out of my system'. She laughed. I could hear the waves in Brisbane and see the strength in my teacher's eyes. I know everything is going to be OK.It was a beautiful class. And Franck Bessoles, you rock!

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS (Part II)

2009-01-01T07:25:00.000+08:00

I taught my last class yesterday for the year thinking it would be a small and quiet one, but I was pleasantly surprised when many familiar and encouraging faces joined in at the last hour. They created an uplifting and positive energy, which to me, is a perfect epilogue for a full year of hard work and effort. Thank you!

There is a saying that kinship is not measured by blood ties, but by the joy and respect we have in each other's lives. I thought about my family and friends who were always supportive and who's steadfast presence never failed to ground me. It warmed my heart to just recall their faces and laughter, and I know from the deepest core of my being they are the ones who truly matter, not anything else.

On 2 Dec, my sister and bro-in-law had their first child - my niece. And the most amazing thing is she has my eye lashes that curls; We are now the only two in the family who have that. No words could describe how I feel to have this little love creation by the two wonderful people I love so much bearing my genes. It's almost god's gift; magical and heavenly...

I am blessed, and I bow, in abundance of gratitude for lovely Sharon whom I love, and loves me like a sister; Devon who is always able to cut through frills and tell me exactly what I need to hear; And Paul, a unique friendship built across the Indian Ocean, always heart warming and encouraging. Then there was Brian, who took a dramatic exit from my life but nonetheless a talented artist and a great companion whom I shared most with; And Rene, a sweet soul concealed within the privacy of his intellect, who's short presence filled up a void for both of us, and would soon be sailing off to fulfill his life long dream.

There were also my teachers Patrick, Desiree, Jonas and David, where inspiration and wisdom I constantly tabbed into. And the kula of yogis and yoginis, of which some became real friends whom I grew so fond of.

All things in life are of impermanence. Treasure them while they are around and thank them when they leave. It has been a wonderful 2008, crippling and touching moments all simmered into a well of bliss. And 2009 will be even better. Just go with the flow.

"Thank You, again!"

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS (Part I)

2008-12-26T16:41:00.000+08:00

I'm home alone wrestling a stubborn flu bug the past few days and I am happy to announce I am winning! And while I count down to 2009 amidst the long and boring fight, I took the opportunity to count my blessings. It was truly an insightful 2008 for me. There isn't too much travels with my three-month long-staying trip to San Francisco cancelled, but I have gained lots, nevertheless, and I have learned.

My teacher recently asked what my biggest accomplishment was in 2008. Even though a friend volunteered an answer on my behalf which I never denied - he said I got myself a boyfriend, I chuckled at how surreal his answer was in true reflection of my life.

Events from the past, especially the passing of my father, still haunt me in the early part of this year. Even though an Anusara retreat with Jonas Westring and Jivamukti workshop with David Life & Sharon Gannon shed some light, it wasn't until I came across Echkart Tolle's teaching, and the sharing of his insights with Oprah over the book 'A NEW EARTH' did things started falling into place.

I was profoundly moved by his teachings and I was consumed by relief and lightness. I stepped out of anger, resentment and the need to prove to myself. I stopped fighting, let go of thinking and I sat with allowing. I reconciled with myself; forgive and forgiven. And for the first time, I was home; free, alive and blissful. Its was a tremendous change and no words could describe my experience fully. Arun noticed the change, for he told me he is happy to see me smiling through my eyes again. I could not explain, I just kept smiling, straight from my heart, ever since.

The other major event was I put on braces. It was a major decision contemplated over two years before I took the plunge, and it was the best decision ever. My bite improved, my looks changed, and my smile widen. My orthodontist's door says 'mouth under construction', and I laughed at his humor every time I see it. He constructed my mouth, yes, and he will construct hope for many. Thank you, Doc Lim.

Of course these can't be all. Events in life aren't really too significant if there are nobody to walked the path with you. I am blessed to have many beautiful friends who held my hand in time of distress, and carried me on theirs backs when I am too tired to walk. They have showed kindness at the least expected moments, and are always there to laugh with, listen and prowl the jungle with me in good faith and love. I could never love them enough... to be continued - part II.

ENLIGHTENMENT

2008-12-25T15:04:00.000+08:00

You brought me through countless point breaking moments,

where ocean of thoughts left imprints prevailing in my heart.

Essentially so,

that willfulness and desire gave birth to love and consciousness;

Like a dew, untethered,

basking in the glow of the morning sun.

Dedicated to Lester L

~ bec, 30 aug 2005 ~

ANUSARA IMMERSION & TEACHER'S TRAINING

2008-12-16T13:58:00.000+08:00

I was in Kuala Lumpur (KL), Malaysia recently for Yoga Workshops and Teacher's Training with Senior Anusara Teacher Desiree Rumbaugh. It was a blast and I felt totally empowered. It was a 60-hour training spread over 10 days and most of the time I was dwelling within a sense of excitement, eagerness to learn, burnt out from information overload, and fried from physical exhaustion. Nonetheless, the experience was beyond what I had imagined and I love, love, love it!

I have been learning Anusara yoga for the past three(3) years and among all the many good things I like about Anusara Yoga, one I love most is it teaches people to look for the good, in others and in yourself. It sounded easy but being brought up in a family who constantly pushes you to achieve with little words of encouragement, being critical seemed to have enacted itself in me. Also as yoga teacher, I was so used to look out for misalignment that I often forget positive reinforcement actually makes a person go further.

Because of the heart language it uses, flourishing from the Tantric Philosophy I resonate with so deeply, Anusara Yoga is one of the most inspiring practice I've ever known. All certified teachers are so well versed in that after many years of very strict training and self study, it is no wonder it takes as much hard work and money as getting a Master Degree to reach where they are. Nonetheless, it is absolutely worth it because I have seen the change Anusara had brought about in me; more open, appreciative, positive, accepting and compassionate.

It is truly an amazing experience to learn to teach Anusara Yoga, and even more so an honour to be teaching and passing down the good. Thank you, teachers, and the teacher's teachers for sharing such poignant wisdom.

YOGA, AND ME

2008-11-15T01:01:00.000+08:00

My Teacher recently asked, 'What is Yoga to you?'. And Without a doubt, my answer is 'Awareness'.

Yoga is all about Awareness. Believe me, I didn't get this from a book. It is true that the concept of Awareness was first introduced to me verbally, but it was only when I begin my practice then I experience Awareness for what it truly is. And the realization is powerful. B.K.S Iyenger said, 'Yoga is a disappointing subject', and I cannot agree more. I remember my first practice which completely threw me off from realizing how under-worked my body was. I knew I was weak, but I didn't realize I was THAT weak. Every inch of my body sored (except the front of my shins and my facial muscle) from just simple stretches, and my back cried out from an old prolapsed disc injury. It bruised my ego, completely, making me realized in many aspect, not just physically, that I was not as good as I thought I was.

The strange thing was, instead of feeling down and out, I felt revived. It was like a little death to an old thought which brought about birth to something new. And knowing that I was a piece of shit suddenly shed light on the huge capacity for growth - unlimited and boundless. At that moment, I was humbled.

Contrast, is the most valuable experience in life for without the Sun, would you appreciate rain? Without darkness, can you see light? Without unconsciousness, can you recognize awakening? And before awareness could be felt, we need to be aware that we were not aware before. When that happens, transformation begins. Something in me shifted, right after my first yoga class.

Awareness creates connection to our hearts; connection to the real essence that lies in ours hearts but sadly suppressed due to conditioning, rules and ideas created by living situations, or purely from our minds. From being aware of our physical body to our mental activities, then moving inwards to our emotions, all these gradually gave rise to acute understanding of the self. Your innate wisdom and intelligence shines when your mental, emotional and physical aspects aligned. And in the most profound way, it creates understanding, freedom, balance, peace and responsiveness to everything around you. It is this same alignment that links one heart to another; relating, loving and rejoicing.

With Awareness, ego dissolves and space is created. And from this egoless space we watched our thoughts and emotions without labels and judgment. Involved but not attached, playful and never overwhelmed, our experiences and interactions with our surroundings intensified. And you will be surprised that while you stay within this space, meditation is actually happening; not just when you are sitting straight with eyes closed, but when you are eating, walking, playing, loving and even crying.

The same teacher once quoted a book, 'Every sickness is home sickness'. And true enough, when we are alert, awake and aware, in a simple and poignant manner, we are home.

Yoga? Just do it!

THE MASTER PLAN

2008-09-04T10:12:00.000+08:00

I believe in Master Plans. Meaning, I believe that there is a purpose in my life and events that happened, are just there to bring me closer to this purpose. I named my business Nile Yoga, after the river Nile, becasue it symbolised the flow of life within the Master Plan itself.

Many times, we get hit by events of life in the least expected way. It pulled us under, and we harden from the inside from bitterness and pain. Yet as time passes, we would realise that we are meant to experience what we did before, just so that we could be ready for what's coming next. There is a saying that 'somethings fall apart, just so others could come together. Yet in the end, what is meant to be will always find its way.' I resonate with this phrase a lot becasue I experience this phrase many times. We may not understand why when things are happening, but we could always trust that they are for our good.

Be grateful that it prepares you for the unknown, and be alert and responsible over the known, and you will never miss all the lessons your master plan is teaching you. Life is challenging, definitely, but it would also become more alive and free when you opened your heart and go with the flow.

I got my heart completely broken yesterday when someone I grew really fond of and attached to over the last two years clobbered me in the trust department for the 2nd time. It was a let down that was very hard to stomach initially, but I am grateful nonetheless. I do not know what might come up next, but the practice of living life to the fullest in every moment gave me peace and confidence to trust again that life, will take me exactly where I need to be.

No matter how challenging life is, between love and hate - always choose love, between trust and distrust - always choose trust. Only then will the abundance of life return, and the ultimate love known as compassion flows. "I have put the past behind us. May peace be with you, too, B."

CHANGE

2007-09-07T21:30:00.000+08:00

When you witness death happening before your eyes, something in you will change. And that is exactly what happened to me. The realization that hits you is beyond anything you can imagine. And the mixture of conflicting emotions swelling inside you could set you aside.

I always know never to be attached to living, and death is a path everyone takes eventually. But real detachment comes when death knocks on the door, and even when you refuse to go, you don't really have a choice.

I saw my father die before my eyes, and I saw him left behind a body that has been wasted away by illness. And I saw him finally free.

We are all free if we let go of wants and should. And when death comes, you will be ready.

DECIDING OR DECIDED

2007-05-31T05:00:00.000+08:00

Born under the Chinese astrology sign of the fire dragon, and the air sign of Aquarius when east meets west, I was often described as someone who is way before her time. A very good combination of intelligence, determination and authority as described under these signs would put me in a very good position of power and sociability. However it also gave me aloneness and aloofness – this, an interesting contrast, and would take someone in the same position to understand.

It is strange how similar I found myself to some of the traits described in what a friend said ‘great entertainment value’ work, and it’s no wonder I had the tendency to refer to it sometimes. I did a count just recently and found that most people whom I am more closely related to are born under the sign of Capricorn. I am no longer surprise that new people popping into my life turned out to be Capricorns too.

Just when I puzzled over this phenomenon, a book I happened to browse through during those moments when I was waiting to start the next class says ‘Aquarius born on my date of birth loved Capricorns because they bring Aquarius down to earth and made them feel safe.’ And depending of the birth dates of the Capricorns, we could even ‘balance the yin and yang energy between us.’ It sounded so wonderful and I started to evaluate my Capricorn friends and see them in a different light.

So, do you think tendencies have been decided way before you were born, or you simply decide how you want it to be? An interesting argument that can go on till the cow comes home.

REFLECTION

2007-05-01T01:29:00.000+08:00

When I was in Perth, I came upon a sign that says "Destiny is not a matter of Chance, it is a matter of Choice" and it provoked a lot of thoughts in me.

I have always believe we have an option in any matter, and it irritates me a lot to hear people telling me they have 'no choice' or they were 'forced into it'. Yet I found myself making a wish at the wishing well in Perth and that's when I realise there are also moments where I felt helpless and lost over what come may.

And by chance, in my first practice after coming back from Perth, my teacher spoke about fate and intention, viewing all turn of events as subtle intentions within oneself combined with conscious actions, and leaving no chance to fate. He made me wonder again.

Facing two dilemmas right now, I am tossed and torn between pursing and giving up, hanging in there or letting go. Sometimes there is a fine line drawn between embracing change and indulging in unrealistic pursuits. And who but myself can decide which is what. My favorite mentor said - only things that are dead are secured, and anything that is alive comes with insecurity, and it totally make sense. So, to be sure but dead or to be alive but at risk?

There is a saying 'Everything comes and goes like a breeze - enjoy it while its there. Never look back because the next breeze will come' I am not sure if I am waiting for a sign or just flowing through life right now. But I know very soon, I'll know what to do.